Unfortunately like most coming out stories, mine was also not a positive experience. I spent many years pretending to be someone that I was not.

Grew up in the church, being taught hate against others rather than love. “If the person is not the same religion as yours, they will be going to hell unless they accept Jesus in to their life”. What a way to live right? So, being taught that kept me in the closet longer.

Now mind you, I came out when I was about 19. I have seen and heard other stories of people that did not come out until their 50’s. So when I say “years”, it is not as long as others, however technically years still. 🤭

I remember having two girlfriends. I had one when I was in Middle School and one when I was out of High School. The one that I had in middle school, I feel like was just a formality. I never told my family about it and largely kept it a secret outside school. My sister did not go to that school yet as she is younger that me. The whole thing was just awkward, never held her hand, hugged her or kissed her. I remember walking home with her. I was practicing social distancing in the 90’s before Covid. HA However, being awkward is still something that carry today which fueled my substance abuse in the future.

I noticed the “feelings” towards other men when I was in High School. Especially the pastors son. I think that everyone in my church had a thing for him, as my sister confirmed this for me. He was SUPER cool. He was in the youth group band, had the hair and had the cool clothes as well.

Slowly over the next few years that I was gay. However being taught that being gay was bad and that I would go to hell. I grew up in a remote area as well, only knowing about two people in my High School that were gay and no one else in my community that I could go to talk to about these feelings and sort them out.

All I had were the teachings of the church. Keeping these feelings suppressed until I moved to a major metropolitan city. Over the course of my last year in High School, I came in contact with someone that came to be the most important person in my life. Aunt Maude.

When I broke up with my girlfriend at the time after living with her for about 6 months, I look at that now and think how crazy that was. I moved to this city to live with her. I needed out of the town that I was living in. The population of that town was around 10,000, with today’s population at about 12,500. I remember being on the phone with Maude talking about moving in with her. At that time, keep in mind I was not out yet. I wanted to move there to attend school in that city.

I made the move, which was a 7 hour drive away from home depending how many stops I made along the way. Mind you, the relationship that I had with my parents at the time was already kind of rocky, as moving out of the house was not entirely a positive experience either. Looking back at that, I could have done that differently as well. More on that later.

After about 6 months of living in this city Maude taught me what love means. Not just being in love with someone in a relationship situation, but how to love others. Love everyone for who they are and not what you want them to be. Quite the opposite what was taught in church.

After about six months, I cam out as “bi”. Looking back at this, I was far from Bi but gay. I still was not comfortable with being completely just gay. I used to say: “I am Bi, but I prefer men”. I started to date my first boyfriend, being more comfortable with who I really was. I decided to come out to my parents.

Before I came out to my parents, I was on the phone with my mom quite often. At least once a week, talking about my experience living in the big city. As I was walking around Target with my boyfriend at the time. 🤣 Keeping it all a secret. Our relationship was for the most part, repaired from the time in which I moved out of the house.

When I was with my first boyfriend, I turned 21. The legal drinking age in the USA. We went to a restaurant to have dinner and to try a few drinks. He was not a big drinker nor did he use cannabis, however I was 21 and it was due time for me to at least have a drink. I turned away each drink and I do not think I even got drunk or buzzed off any of them.

I came out while I was dating my second boyfriend the substance abuse started with liquor. The day came, after talking to Maude about coming out and being true to my self, true to others and to not care if people do not like me if I was gay. Most of the people that I came out to was via E-Mail, the follow up conversations did happen over the phone. I was very scared with what the rest of my life would be and what would happen if I came out, not wanting to know the immediate response at that time I thought that was the best way to come out.

My parents told me that I was going to hell, one grandmother told me that I was going to get HIV/AIDS and my other grandmother Lucille said that my life will not be easy. Lucille ,other than Maude would be another supportive person in my life. At that time I did not understand what she said by that. I thought it was going to be easier because I came out and I was not lying anymore. Well, what she meant by that being gay was not easy to deal with in society sometimes. It was much easier than the past, it was still something that was going to be a challenge.

Gay marriage was not legal at that time and the rights that we have in the LGBTQIA+ community now we also did not have. So, she was right. The others, not so much.

Shortly after coming out to my parents, I did not hear anything from them for twelve years. They eventually come around, more on that later. After I left my first husband with gay marriage being legal in the state that I lived in, I wrote them a letter trying to explain to them that being gay was not a bad thing, asking them to respond to this letter. I“If you do not respond to this letter, I will assume that you never want to talk to me again nor have a relationship with you”

I came to terms that I would never hear from them again. I “wrote” them off, pretending that they were not alive. It was just easier that way, subconsciously started my substance abuse to cover up the sadness that I had in my heart with my parents not wanting to be in contact with me.